Image
File
issue 14 // volume 42
humour // no. 23
Screening process 1n question
» Many wondering how safe Santa's toys are for American homes
Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca
question the legitimacy—or
even existence—of a screening
process for the toys Santa
brings America’s youth.
an American,” said concerned
mother of three Janet Everly.
“There’s no knowing what
kind of things he will bring
every December; the screening
process is non-existent.” Everly
said she is grateful for the free
toys and for having the man as
a centrepiece for her favorite
holiday, but in this day and
age it “just isn’t worth the risk”
to allow Santa Claus into our
homes. This December 25,
burning long through the night,
as her own form of protection
from the terror that may be
coming from the North Pole.
“What’s more is he
expects us to feed him!”
Everly commented during
an interview. “First we are
supposed to allow him into
our country, into our homes,
and still he demands milk and
cookies!? It’s outrageous.”
Everly stated that she is
more than prepared for a Santa-
less Christmas this year, having
recently purchased most of
her children’s presents on sale
this past Black Friday. “I had
: to wrestle three grown men off
: of a Star Wars Lego set, but a
: blood-stained box at 50 per cent
: off is better than who knows
Aw outcry has called into :
what from the North Pole.”
Everly is currently under
: investigation in a case relating
: to four people left dead during
: the Black Friday Bonanza at
“It’s dangerous, he isn’t even : her local mall, but refused
: to comment on that under
: the advice of her lawyer.
She is not the only one
: finding Santa’s visit a hard
: pill to swallow this year, as
: discussion has flared up over
: the Internet about which
: side to stand on. Many are
: arguing that the process is
: too lax, and that even one
: bad elf could cause serious
: harm to American children,
: while others are stating that
: obviously Santa picks his
Everly plans on keeping her fires : ‘
: worker elves with utmost care.
The big man himself
weighed in on the matter: “To
: think that my well-meaning
: elves would have anything
: other than goodwill towards the
: beautiful children and families
: of America is ridiculous! There
: is an intense interview process
: that each elf goes through
: before even being considered
: for work in the shop, with piles
: of documents for each and
: every one of them. It’s a very
: detailed and thorough process.
: Frankly, they’re all so thankful
: to get the job, there’s no way any
: of them would even consider
: trying anything sinister.”
Image via thinkstock
Transit etiquette
» The dos and don'ts of riding the bus
Josh Visser
Columnist
hen I ride on transit,
especially when it’s
shoulder-to-shoulder, I’m
always careful to angle my
phone downward to make sure
no one can read the messed up
thoughts I’m frantically typing.
Don't be like me,
distancing yourself from the
other commuters by being
on your phone the whole
time. Where’s the fun in that?
Why not be intrusive, the
more abrasive the better.
I present to you a list
of things to do to quicken
your commute while totally
exhibiting traditional and well-
regarded transit etiquette:
© Keep your outer thighs
pressing against the
people next to you.
® Read over the shoulder
of your neighbour. Ifyou
know what comes next, tell
the person so they don’t
have to waste their time
by reading further. They
will thank you for it.
® Talk on the phone in an out-
side voice about something
incriminating—or, at the
very least whatever makes
you look like a total douche.
© Interrupt and make your
business other people’s con-
versations while providing
valuable insight on them.
® Watch others with
lingering eyes.
¢ Listen to loud music, prefer-
ably with your speakers on
near blast. Or, even better:
sing along voraciously. Try
and get others to join along.
¢ Smoke your vape. I mean,
you saw someone else do
it, so clearly all 26 other
people on the bus must
be cool with it too.
© If someone of relative frailty
is struggling to find a seat
and you are a well-bodied
human, stay where you are.
That way, you can keep a
firm eye on them to make
sure they do not fall.
® On the off-chance the bus
is late, be sure to jaw at the
bus driver so the driver is
aware of the present traf-
fic situation and feeling
fully at fault for any delays
caused in your schedule.
We all share transit. What
: you do while on it is totally up
: to you, as you are hopefully
: a fully autonomous person
: (as opposed to a robot)...
: but just remember there are
: sometimes up to 30 other bored
: people there. So take it upon
: yourself to entertain them
: by making an ass of yourself
: by following this guide.
Image via thinkstock
humour // no. 23
Screening process 1n question
» Many wondering how safe Santa's toys are for American homes
Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca
question the legitimacy—or
even existence—of a screening
process for the toys Santa
brings America’s youth.
an American,” said concerned
mother of three Janet Everly.
“There’s no knowing what
kind of things he will bring
every December; the screening
process is non-existent.” Everly
said she is grateful for the free
toys and for having the man as
a centrepiece for her favorite
holiday, but in this day and
age it “just isn’t worth the risk”
to allow Santa Claus into our
homes. This December 25,
burning long through the night,
as her own form of protection
from the terror that may be
coming from the North Pole.
“What’s more is he
expects us to feed him!”
Everly commented during
an interview. “First we are
supposed to allow him into
our country, into our homes,
and still he demands milk and
cookies!? It’s outrageous.”
Everly stated that she is
more than prepared for a Santa-
less Christmas this year, having
recently purchased most of
her children’s presents on sale
this past Black Friday. “I had
: to wrestle three grown men off
: of a Star Wars Lego set, but a
: blood-stained box at 50 per cent
: off is better than who knows
Aw outcry has called into :
what from the North Pole.”
Everly is currently under
: investigation in a case relating
: to four people left dead during
: the Black Friday Bonanza at
“It’s dangerous, he isn’t even : her local mall, but refused
: to comment on that under
: the advice of her lawyer.
She is not the only one
: finding Santa’s visit a hard
: pill to swallow this year, as
: discussion has flared up over
: the Internet about which
: side to stand on. Many are
: arguing that the process is
: too lax, and that even one
: bad elf could cause serious
: harm to American children,
: while others are stating that
: obviously Santa picks his
Everly plans on keeping her fires : ‘
: worker elves with utmost care.
The big man himself
weighed in on the matter: “To
: think that my well-meaning
: elves would have anything
: other than goodwill towards the
: beautiful children and families
: of America is ridiculous! There
: is an intense interview process
: that each elf goes through
: before even being considered
: for work in the shop, with piles
: of documents for each and
: every one of them. It’s a very
: detailed and thorough process.
: Frankly, they’re all so thankful
: to get the job, there’s no way any
: of them would even consider
: trying anything sinister.”
Image via thinkstock
Transit etiquette
» The dos and don'ts of riding the bus
Josh Visser
Columnist
hen I ride on transit,
especially when it’s
shoulder-to-shoulder, I’m
always careful to angle my
phone downward to make sure
no one can read the messed up
thoughts I’m frantically typing.
Don't be like me,
distancing yourself from the
other commuters by being
on your phone the whole
time. Where’s the fun in that?
Why not be intrusive, the
more abrasive the better.
I present to you a list
of things to do to quicken
your commute while totally
exhibiting traditional and well-
regarded transit etiquette:
© Keep your outer thighs
pressing against the
people next to you.
® Read over the shoulder
of your neighbour. Ifyou
know what comes next, tell
the person so they don’t
have to waste their time
by reading further. They
will thank you for it.
® Talk on the phone in an out-
side voice about something
incriminating—or, at the
very least whatever makes
you look like a total douche.
© Interrupt and make your
business other people’s con-
versations while providing
valuable insight on them.
® Watch others with
lingering eyes.
¢ Listen to loud music, prefer-
ably with your speakers on
near blast. Or, even better:
sing along voraciously. Try
and get others to join along.
¢ Smoke your vape. I mean,
you saw someone else do
it, so clearly all 26 other
people on the bus must
be cool with it too.
© If someone of relative frailty
is struggling to find a seat
and you are a well-bodied
human, stay where you are.
That way, you can keep a
firm eye on them to make
sure they do not fall.
® On the off-chance the bus
is late, be sure to jaw at the
bus driver so the driver is
aware of the present traf-
fic situation and feeling
fully at fault for any delays
caused in your schedule.
We all share transit. What
: you do while on it is totally up
: to you, as you are hopefully
: a fully autonomous person
: (as opposed to a robot)...
: but just remember there are
: sometimes up to 30 other bored
: people there. So take it upon
: yourself to entertain them
: by making an ass of yourself
: by following this guide.
Image via thinkstock
Edited Text
issue 14 // volume 42
humour // no. 23
Screening process 1n question
» Many wondering how safe Santa's toys are for American homes
Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca
question the legitimacy—or
even existence—of a screening
process for the toys Santa
brings America’s youth.
an American,” said concerned
mother of three Janet Everly.
“There’s no knowing what
kind of things he will bring
every December; the screening
process is non-existent.” Everly
said she is grateful for the free
toys and for having the man as
a centrepiece for her favorite
holiday, but in this day and
age it “just isn’t worth the risk”
to allow Santa Claus into our
homes. This December 25,
burning long through the night,
as her own form of protection
from the terror that may be
coming from the North Pole.
“What’s more is he
expects us to feed him!”
Everly commented during
an interview. “First we are
supposed to allow him into
our country, into our homes,
and still he demands milk and
cookies!? It’s outrageous.”
Everly stated that she is
more than prepared for a Santa-
less Christmas this year, having
recently purchased most of
her children’s presents on sale
this past Black Friday. “I had
: to wrestle three grown men off
: of a Star Wars Lego set, but a
: blood-stained box at 50 per cent
: off is better than who knows
Aw outcry has called into :
what from the North Pole.”
Everly is currently under
: investigation in a case relating
: to four people left dead during
: the Black Friday Bonanza at
“It’s dangerous, he isn’t even : her local mall, but refused
: to comment on that under
: the advice of her lawyer.
She is not the only one
: finding Santa’s visit a hard
: pill to swallow this year, as
: discussion has flared up over
: the Internet about which
: side to stand on. Many are
: arguing that the process is
: too lax, and that even one
: bad elf could cause serious
: harm to American children,
: while others are stating that
: obviously Santa picks his
Everly plans on keeping her fires : ‘
: worker elves with utmost care.
The big man himself
weighed in on the matter: “To
: think that my well-meaning
: elves would have anything
: other than goodwill towards the
: beautiful children and families
: of America is ridiculous! There
: is an intense interview process
: that each elf goes through
: before even being considered
: for work in the shop, with piles
: of documents for each and
: every one of them. It’s a very
: detailed and thorough process.
: Frankly, they’re all so thankful
: to get the job, there’s no way any
: of them would even consider
: trying anything sinister.”
Image via thinkstock
Transit etiquette
» The dos and don'ts of riding the bus
Josh Visser
Columnist
hen I ride on transit,
especially when it’s
shoulder-to-shoulder, I’m
always careful to angle my
phone downward to make sure
no one can read the messed up
thoughts I’m frantically typing.
Don't be like me,
distancing yourself from the
other commuters by being
on your phone the whole
time. Where’s the fun in that?
Why not be intrusive, the
more abrasive the better.
I present to you a list
of things to do to quicken
your commute while totally
exhibiting traditional and well-
regarded transit etiquette:
© Keep your outer thighs
pressing against the
people next to you.
® Read over the shoulder
of your neighbour. Ifyou
know what comes next, tell
the person so they don’t
have to waste their time
by reading further. They
will thank you for it.
® Talk on the phone in an out-
side voice about something
incriminating—or, at the
very least whatever makes
you look like a total douche.
© Interrupt and make your
business other people’s con-
versations while providing
valuable insight on them.
® Watch others with
lingering eyes.
¢ Listen to loud music, prefer-
ably with your speakers on
near blast. Or, even better:
sing along voraciously. Try
and get others to join along.
¢ Smoke your vape. I mean,
you saw someone else do
it, so clearly all 26 other
people on the bus must
be cool with it too.
© If someone of relative frailty
is struggling to find a seat
and you are a well-bodied
human, stay where you are.
That way, you can keep a
firm eye on them to make
sure they do not fall.
® On the off-chance the bus
is late, be sure to jaw at the
bus driver so the driver is
aware of the present traf-
fic situation and feeling
fully at fault for any delays
caused in your schedule.
We all share transit. What
: you do while on it is totally up
: to you, as you are hopefully
: a fully autonomous person
: (as opposed to a robot)...
: but just remember there are
: sometimes up to 30 other bored
: people there. So take it upon
: yourself to entertain them
: by making an ass of yourself
: by following this guide.
Image via thinkstock
humour // no. 23
Screening process 1n question
» Many wondering how safe Santa's toys are for American homes
Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca
question the legitimacy—or
even existence—of a screening
process for the toys Santa
brings America’s youth.
an American,” said concerned
mother of three Janet Everly.
“There’s no knowing what
kind of things he will bring
every December; the screening
process is non-existent.” Everly
said she is grateful for the free
toys and for having the man as
a centrepiece for her favorite
holiday, but in this day and
age it “just isn’t worth the risk”
to allow Santa Claus into our
homes. This December 25,
burning long through the night,
as her own form of protection
from the terror that may be
coming from the North Pole.
“What’s more is he
expects us to feed him!”
Everly commented during
an interview. “First we are
supposed to allow him into
our country, into our homes,
and still he demands milk and
cookies!? It’s outrageous.”
Everly stated that she is
more than prepared for a Santa-
less Christmas this year, having
recently purchased most of
her children’s presents on sale
this past Black Friday. “I had
: to wrestle three grown men off
: of a Star Wars Lego set, but a
: blood-stained box at 50 per cent
: off is better than who knows
Aw outcry has called into :
what from the North Pole.”
Everly is currently under
: investigation in a case relating
: to four people left dead during
: the Black Friday Bonanza at
“It’s dangerous, he isn’t even : her local mall, but refused
: to comment on that under
: the advice of her lawyer.
She is not the only one
: finding Santa’s visit a hard
: pill to swallow this year, as
: discussion has flared up over
: the Internet about which
: side to stand on. Many are
: arguing that the process is
: too lax, and that even one
: bad elf could cause serious
: harm to American children,
: while others are stating that
: obviously Santa picks his
Everly plans on keeping her fires : ‘
: worker elves with utmost care.
The big man himself
weighed in on the matter: “To
: think that my well-meaning
: elves would have anything
: other than goodwill towards the
: beautiful children and families
: of America is ridiculous! There
: is an intense interview process
: that each elf goes through
: before even being considered
: for work in the shop, with piles
: of documents for each and
: every one of them. It’s a very
: detailed and thorough process.
: Frankly, they’re all so thankful
: to get the job, there’s no way any
: of them would even consider
: trying anything sinister.”
Image via thinkstock
Transit etiquette
» The dos and don'ts of riding the bus
Josh Visser
Columnist
hen I ride on transit,
especially when it’s
shoulder-to-shoulder, I’m
always careful to angle my
phone downward to make sure
no one can read the messed up
thoughts I’m frantically typing.
Don't be like me,
distancing yourself from the
other commuters by being
on your phone the whole
time. Where’s the fun in that?
Why not be intrusive, the
more abrasive the better.
I present to you a list
of things to do to quicken
your commute while totally
exhibiting traditional and well-
regarded transit etiquette:
© Keep your outer thighs
pressing against the
people next to you.
® Read over the shoulder
of your neighbour. Ifyou
know what comes next, tell
the person so they don’t
have to waste their time
by reading further. They
will thank you for it.
® Talk on the phone in an out-
side voice about something
incriminating—or, at the
very least whatever makes
you look like a total douche.
© Interrupt and make your
business other people’s con-
versations while providing
valuable insight on them.
® Watch others with
lingering eyes.
¢ Listen to loud music, prefer-
ably with your speakers on
near blast. Or, even better:
sing along voraciously. Try
and get others to join along.
¢ Smoke your vape. I mean,
you saw someone else do
it, so clearly all 26 other
people on the bus must
be cool with it too.
© If someone of relative frailty
is struggling to find a seat
and you are a well-bodied
human, stay where you are.
That way, you can keep a
firm eye on them to make
sure they do not fall.
® On the off-chance the bus
is late, be sure to jaw at the
bus driver so the driver is
aware of the present traf-
fic situation and feeling
fully at fault for any delays
caused in your schedule.
We all share transit. What
: you do while on it is totally up
: to you, as you are hopefully
: a fully autonomous person
: (as opposed to a robot)...
: but just remember there are
: sometimes up to 30 other bored
: people there. So take it upon
: yourself to entertain them
: by making an ass of yourself
: by following this guide.
Image via thinkstock
humour // no. 23
Screening process 1n question
» Many wondering how safe Santa's toys are for American homes
Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca
question the legitimacy—or
even existence—of a screening
process for the toys Santa
brings America’s youth.
an American,” said concerned
mother of three Janet Everly.
“There’s no knowing what
kind of things he will bring
every December; the screening
process is non-existent.” Everly
said she is grateful for the free
toys and for having the man as
a centrepiece for her favorite
holiday, but in this day and
age it “just isn’t worth the risk”
to allow Santa Claus into our
homes. This December 25,
burning long through the night,
as her own form of protection
from the terror that may be
coming from the North Pole.
“What’s more is he
expects us to feed him!”
Everly commented during
an interview. “First we are
supposed to allow him into
our country, into our homes,
and still he demands milk and
cookies!? It’s outrageous.”
Everly stated that she is
more than prepared for a Santa-
less Christmas this year, having
recently purchased most of
her children’s presents on sale
this past Black Friday. “I had
: to wrestle three grown men off
: of a Star Wars Lego set, but a
: blood-stained box at 50 per cent
: off is better than who knows
Aw outcry has called into :
what from the North Pole.”
Everly is currently under
: investigation in a case relating
: to four people left dead during
: the Black Friday Bonanza at
“It’s dangerous, he isn’t even : her local mall, but refused
: to comment on that under
: the advice of her lawyer.
She is not the only one
: finding Santa’s visit a hard
: pill to swallow this year, as
: discussion has flared up over
: the Internet about which
: side to stand on. Many are
: arguing that the process is
: too lax, and that even one
: bad elf could cause serious
: harm to American children,
: while others are stating that
: obviously Santa picks his
Everly plans on keeping her fires : ‘
: worker elves with utmost care.
The big man himself
weighed in on the matter: “To
: think that my well-meaning
: elves would have anything
: other than goodwill towards the
: beautiful children and families
: of America is ridiculous! There
: is an intense interview process
: that each elf goes through
: before even being considered
: for work in the shop, with piles
: of documents for each and
: every one of them. It’s a very
: detailed and thorough process.
: Frankly, they’re all so thankful
: to get the job, there’s no way any
: of them would even consider
: trying anything sinister.”
Image via thinkstock
Transit etiquette
» The dos and don'ts of riding the bus
Josh Visser
Columnist
hen I ride on transit,
especially when it’s
shoulder-to-shoulder, I’m
always careful to angle my
phone downward to make sure
no one can read the messed up
thoughts I’m frantically typing.
Don't be like me,
distancing yourself from the
other commuters by being
on your phone the whole
time. Where’s the fun in that?
Why not be intrusive, the
more abrasive the better.
I present to you a list
of things to do to quicken
your commute while totally
exhibiting traditional and well-
regarded transit etiquette:
© Keep your outer thighs
pressing against the
people next to you.
® Read over the shoulder
of your neighbour. Ifyou
know what comes next, tell
the person so they don’t
have to waste their time
by reading further. They
will thank you for it.
® Talk on the phone in an out-
side voice about something
incriminating—or, at the
very least whatever makes
you look like a total douche.
© Interrupt and make your
business other people’s con-
versations while providing
valuable insight on them.
® Watch others with
lingering eyes.
¢ Listen to loud music, prefer-
ably with your speakers on
near blast. Or, even better:
sing along voraciously. Try
and get others to join along.
¢ Smoke your vape. I mean,
you saw someone else do
it, so clearly all 26 other
people on the bus must
be cool with it too.
© If someone of relative frailty
is struggling to find a seat
and you are a well-bodied
human, stay where you are.
That way, you can keep a
firm eye on them to make
sure they do not fall.
® On the off-chance the bus
is late, be sure to jaw at the
bus driver so the driver is
aware of the present traf-
fic situation and feeling
fully at fault for any delays
caused in your schedule.
We all share transit. What
: you do while on it is totally up
: to you, as you are hopefully
: a fully autonomous person
: (as opposed to a robot)...
: but just remember there are
: sometimes up to 30 other bored
: people there. So take it upon
: yourself to entertain them
: by making an ass of yourself
: by following this guide.
Image via thinkstock
humour // no. 23
Screening process 1n question
» Many wondering how safe Santa's toys are for American homes
Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca
question the legitimacy—or
even existence—of a screening
process for the toys Santa
brings America’s youth.
an American,” said concerned
mother of three Janet Everly.
“There’s no knowing what
kind of things he will bring
every December; the screening
process is non-existent.” Everly
said she is grateful for the free
toys and for having the man as
a centrepiece for her favorite
holiday, but in this day and
age it “just isn’t worth the risk”
to allow Santa Claus into our
homes. This December 25,
burning long through the night,
as her own form of protection
from the terror that may be
coming from the North Pole.
“What’s more is he
expects us to feed him!”
Everly commented during
an interview. “First we are
supposed to allow him into
our country, into our homes,
and still he demands milk and
cookies!? It’s outrageous.”
Everly stated that she is
more than prepared for a Santa-
less Christmas this year, having
recently purchased most of
her children’s presents on sale
this past Black Friday. “I had
: to wrestle three grown men off
: of a Star Wars Lego set, but a
: blood-stained box at 50 per cent
: off is better than who knows
Aw outcry has called into :
what from the North Pole.”
Everly is currently under
: investigation in a case relating
: to four people left dead during
: the Black Friday Bonanza at
“It’s dangerous, he isn’t even : her local mall, but refused
: to comment on that under
: the advice of her lawyer.
She is not the only one
: finding Santa’s visit a hard
: pill to swallow this year, as
: discussion has flared up over
: the Internet about which
: side to stand on. Many are
: arguing that the process is
: too lax, and that even one
: bad elf could cause serious
: harm to American children,
: while others are stating that
: obviously Santa picks his
Everly plans on keeping her fires : ‘
: worker elves with utmost care.
The big man himself
weighed in on the matter: “To
: think that my well-meaning
: elves would have anything
: other than goodwill towards the
: beautiful children and families
: of America is ridiculous! There
: is an intense interview process
: that each elf goes through
: before even being considered
: for work in the shop, with piles
: of documents for each and
: every one of them. It’s a very
: detailed and thorough process.
: Frankly, they’re all so thankful
: to get the job, there’s no way any
: of them would even consider
: trying anything sinister.”
Image via thinkstock
Transit etiquette
» The dos and don'ts of riding the bus
Josh Visser
Columnist
hen I ride on transit,
especially when it’s
shoulder-to-shoulder, I’m
always careful to angle my
phone downward to make sure
no one can read the messed up
thoughts I’m frantically typing.
Don't be like me,
distancing yourself from the
other commuters by being
on your phone the whole
time. Where’s the fun in that?
Why not be intrusive, the
more abrasive the better.
I present to you a list
of things to do to quicken
your commute while totally
exhibiting traditional and well-
regarded transit etiquette:
© Keep your outer thighs
pressing against the
people next to you.
® Read over the shoulder
of your neighbour. Ifyou
know what comes next, tell
the person so they don’t
have to waste their time
by reading further. They
will thank you for it.
® Talk on the phone in an out-
side voice about something
incriminating—or, at the
very least whatever makes
you look like a total douche.
© Interrupt and make your
business other people’s con-
versations while providing
valuable insight on them.
® Watch others with
lingering eyes.
¢ Listen to loud music, prefer-
ably with your speakers on
near blast. Or, even better:
sing along voraciously. Try
and get others to join along.
¢ Smoke your vape. I mean,
you saw someone else do
it, so clearly all 26 other
people on the bus must
be cool with it too.
© If someone of relative frailty
is struggling to find a seat
and you are a well-bodied
human, stay where you are.
That way, you can keep a
firm eye on them to make
sure they do not fall.
® On the off-chance the bus
is late, be sure to jaw at the
bus driver so the driver is
aware of the present traf-
fic situation and feeling
fully at fault for any delays
caused in your schedule.
We all share transit. What
: you do while on it is totally up
: to you, as you are hopefully
: a fully autonomous person
: (as opposed to a robot)...
: but just remember there are
: sometimes up to 30 other bored
: people there. So take it upon
: yourself to entertain them
: by making an ass of yourself
: by following this guide.
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