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Contact: Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca



This issue:

(¥ Things to get a college student this semester

(¥ You can stand under my umbrella

(Y 12 days of finals

And more!

Kris Kringle declares bankruptcy
three weeks before the holidays

» Modern practices de

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

Ke Kringle (often known as
Father Christmas or Santa

and supplier of happiness for
millions of children worldwide,
has announced bankruptcy.
Ina stunning move that came
just three weeks before his
annual distribution, Santa has
announced plans to dissolve
his entire organization and
retire to the Philippines.

“T just can’t keep up with
the demand and production
anymore,” Mr. Claus announced
in a press statement delivered by
Rudolph. “Those children want
too much from me these days. I
used to get away with delivering
a couple dolls or trucks—do
you know what those entitled
little snots want now? [Pads.
PS4s. Little Tommy in Tennessee
asked me for a 3-D TV. Do you
know what it costs to build one
of those in my workshop?”

Santa went on to complain
about the wage increases recently
demanded by the elf union: “I
used to get away with cutting
costs by paying that race in
glitter and cookies. But ever
since Bernard in electronics

demanding things like “money”

Economics aren't the

: only factor hurting Santa’s

: business. Competition, a rising
: demand, and environmental :
: regulations have also contributed :
: to the decline of the trade.

“The parents used to rely

: on me to deliver those hard-to-

: find items. I provided overnight
: express delivery—and all I

: asked for was some damn milk

: and cookies. Now those fat cats
: at Amazon offer free express

: shipping—Mr. Christie be

: damned” Santa paused in his

: speech to wipe whiskey from

: his beard. “And it’s not just the

: Christian kids expecting visits

: from me anymore. An increased
: secular and globalized society

: means they’re ALL celebrating

: Christmas. I have to gotoentire
: countries I never hit before now!” :

Environmental regulators of

: Finland, Canada, the USA, and

: Norway—all countries Santa has
: claimed to live in before—are

: also on his case. Spokesman G.

: Rinch explained: “We've been

: on Mr. Claus’ case for quite some
: time now. Not only has he failed
watched Norma Rae, they've been : to release an environmental

: impact statement for his entire

Santa could only mutter
: “Thanks, Trudeau.”

molish Santa’s workshop

: and “breaks.” Do you know how
: much that'll cost me?” (Mr.

: Kringle’s current net worth is :
: produced by magic and therefore :

: estimated to be infinite.)
Claus}, the keystone businessman :

Lareg &lfman
BA Acclancant |

: business, he has failed to comply
: with emission regulations for his
: sleigh, which he drives thousands :
: of kilometres each year”

When asked for comment,

: worldwide are concerned about



Children and naive adults

what Santa refusing his services

Image by Ed Appleby

> omnipresent 24/7 availability of
: Wal-Mart ensures we'll still have
: a good Christmas this year. Santa
: means for Christmas. Fortunately, :
: door crasher Black Friday sales, :
: online-only specials, Christmas
: paycheque bonuses, and the

Claus may be gone, but Stable

: Consumerism is alive and well.



Hollywood to create male reboot

» ‘Groomsmaids'’ to be a big hit this Christmas

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

ust when you thought
Hollywood had run out of
ideas, the genius writers over
in L.A. have come up with their
greatest idea yet: A male reboot
of the hit movie Bridesmaids.
Casting has just gotten
underway, though rumoured
to be on the list of hopefuls
are Shia Labeouf, Johnny
Depp, Adam Sandler, and the
hologram of Tupac Shakur.
This film is attracting the
attention of Hollywood’s A-list,
and everyone is trying to get
in ona piece of the action.
We talked to writer and
director Jeremy Banks about the
minds behind this new movie

: marvel. “Yeah, it’s an obvious

: cash grab. Look, Bridesmaids did
: so well, we figured hey, there’s

: some more money to be made

: here. Practically every woman

: and their dog went out to see

: Bridesmaids, they'll come out to
: see it again. Only this time, we'll
: get the men to go see it too. Then
: you've got literally everybody.

: What could go wrong?”

The male population is

an all-female-lead movie has

: now that it’s all dudes, I can
: go watch it with my bros

r

Groomsmaids Is set to hit

: theaters this Christmas, and

: though production is just getting

: started, Banks assures us that it

: will be ready by December 25: :
: “It’s areboot. We honestly use the :
: same script, and just change the:
: names and a few pronouns. That’s :
: it. Hell, half the movie has already :
: : been shot.” Banks explained :
: ecstatic over the newly announced :
: movie, though none more

: so than Steve Prior: “I am so

: excited. I heard that Bridesmaids
: was absolutely hilarious, but I

: couldn't watch it because, you

: know, it’s a chick flick. There’s

: only girls in it. I can’t watch

: movies featuring strong female

: leads or I start to question my

: own masculinity, obviously. But

that Christmas is an important

: opening date, as the reboot

: appeals to all genders. “It’s gonna
: be that movie that neither of you
: really wants to see, but not the :
: movie that either one of you really :
: doesn’t want to see. It’s the Lay’s
: original of movies. Our money

: comes from bitter compromise.”

With this being the first time :

: been rebooted with a male cast,

: an obvious response has erupted
: over the internet from women: “I
: dont really get what we should

: be mad about. It’s just adumb

: movie,” said keyboard warrior



: Janet Bluff. “No one’s even going
: to go see it. It’s a reboot. I mean
: [loved Bridesmaids, but it’s not
: asif this completely separate

: movie is going to affect or ‘ruin’

: it in anyway. That’s just dumb.”