OtherPress2015Vol42No12.pdf-21

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Contact: Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca

Say bye-bye to bad drivers!

» New traffic laws plan to deport the unwanted to Alberta

Brittney MacDonald
Life & Style Editor
@ lifeandstyle@theotherpress.ca

D“ to the increase in traffic
accidents, the Vancouver
mayoral office, in conjunction
with the Vancouver Police
Department, has decided on

a radical new approach to
dealing with road safety.

Beginning in December,
drivers will be lawfully required
to display competency in their
ability to manoeuvre their motor
vehicle through everything from
gentle mists to torrential down
pours—or as Vancouverites
call them, “just a trickle.”

“For too long Vancouver has
suffered due to a small number
of its citizens refusing to adapt
to our city and its unique quirks,”
Sergeant Hall Oates told the
Other Press. “Vancouver weather,
especially our fall and winter

: rain, is something that every

: Vancouver resident should know
: how to handle, but that’s just

: not the case as of right now. Our:
: hope is that these new traffic laws :
: will encourage Vancouverites to:
: take pride in their city—as well
: as force them to learn what in

: the hell their blinkers are for”

Under the new laws,

: anyone caught:

+ Driving too fast in
the slow lane

+ Driving too slow
in the fast lane

* Refusing to turn on their
lights to increase visibility
(we know you can see, it’s
not always about you!)

+ Driving a large truck
with no mud flaps

+ — Driving any size truck with
no tail gate (it’s just tacky)

+ Not signaling before
changing lanes

- Suffering a panic attack
when they hydroplane

+ Being a general douche
when it’s wet, traffic is
backed up, and actual
stopping distance is
nearly double due to
flooded brakes.

: —will be subject to fines,

: and possible deportation.

: For our concerned readers, not
: to worry, you won't be deported
: far. A relocation program is

: in place to send any would-be

: problem drivers, to Alberta—

: Canada’s least rainy province!

: “We truly believe that this is

: the best solution for everyone.

: Alberta has nearly a third of

: our rainfall, and its open, flat

: highways will prevent these

: drivers from hurting themselves

This issue:

(¥Y Breaking: Sports team does sport

(¥Y Timeline: then vs. now

(¥ A little motivation for the end of November

And more!

: on any sharp corners,” Oates

: stated, displaying great

: compassion and understanding
: towards Vancouver's most :
: neglected degenerate population. :
: “We know that this will be an

: adjustment for everyone, and we
: at the VPD will try to make the

: transition as easy as possible.

: Yes, there may be some issues for

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: the deported drivers in finding
: work, and it is expected that

: Vancouver will lose two-thirds
: of its taxi drivers, but sacrifices

must be made to provide

: everyone with a safer, better city.”

: This is a satirical piece that
: has nothing to do with any of
: the actual named parties.

Basic trolling

» How to most effectively piss off Vancouver's population of white girls

Alex Stanton
Staff Writer

f there’s one thing I cannot

stand hearing from my fellow
men around these parts, it’s
the oft-repeated yet groundless
notion that Vancouver women
are usually bitchy. Honest to
God, I’ve been hearing people
perpetuate that myth since before
my peers and I even reached
drinking age. For Vancouver
women to hear this, it must be
INCREDIBLY disheartening;
before you let it bother you

line “Vancouver girls are bitches”
is usually said by someone
who is clearly unattached to
a significant other (unless, of
course, their significant other’s
name is “Jose Cuervo”). In 2015,
there are very few symptoms
that indicate a raging case of
involuntary celibacy quite like a
generally misogynist worldview.
All that being said... You
girls are just too easy to chirp.
Vancouver, like any wannabe
world-class city, has an entirely
unique culture. Between the
inexplicable attraction to tied
up hair, and sharing a city with
the main HQ of Lululemon
Athletica, there is simply way
too much to poke fun at in this

: city. Nothing personal, ladies,
: but I’m about the reveal some
: solid ways for people to tick

: you off. Sorry in advance!

1. Diss Starbucks:
There’s an old, nary spoken

: of legend that, while not proven
to actually work, states that if

: you say “Pumpkin Spice Latte”

: into a bathroom mirror three

: times, a white girl in yoga

: pants will appear and list of

: all her favourite things about

: fall. I've never personally tried

: this ritual; I like my trousers

: to be positively urine free.
though, you should know that the :

There are as many

: possibilities for this category

: as there are Starbucks stores in
: the City of Vancouver, It’s too

: easy to poke fun at the absurd
price of the countless flashy-

: but-mediocre seasonal drinks

: compared to everywhere else.

: The logo, which looks like a piece
: of currency used by an alien

: race of space clowns, is ripe for
: parody. I find that asking what
: the hell the creature is on the

: logo has interesting results.

If, despite your best efforts,

2. Bring up how

: people dress in Vancouver
: vs. Everywhere else:
Vancouver has been awarded :

:

: countless times by Canadian

: and non-Canadian entities of

> apparent importance, but there’s
: only one award that Vancouver

: actually deserved, and that

: would be the title of “third

: worst dressed city in the world”

; by MSN Travel back in 2011.

Now, I’m no Tom Ford, but I

: think even a fashionably illiterate :
: caveman such as myself can point :

: . .. ? out numerous things wron
: the conversation ends up steering : 8 8

: : with the way Vancouver dresses,
: towards autumn... Run. : « Way Nancouve

: and—surprise, surprise—an

: overwhelming majority of

: these tragic outfits are worn by

: Caucasian females in Vancouver.

: Yoga pants outside of the yoga

: studio and hockey jerseys while
: not at a hockey game are some

: of the more common crimes

: you'll see being committed in

: broad daylight all over the 604.

3- Do business with

Lululemon Athletica:

This is only for high rollers

: such as yours truly; you six-

figures-and-under-a-year

: peasants need not apply. If

: youre bored, rich, and thigh-

: chaffingly sick of sweatpants

: being an acceptable thing to

: wear outside, then simply buy
: out Lululemon and put every

Image via thinkstock

: bit of clothing that came from
: that abyss onto a rocket with

: the controls set for the heart

: of the sun. It’s that simple,

: Mr. Property Rich VanMan.

In Vancouver, if life

: hands you Lululemon... Make
: Lululemon-ade stands!

4. Tell them to fix

: their eyebrows

This is only included here

: because saying this to any

: woman, eleven times out of ten,
: you'll probably get strangled

: by an infinity scarf. “Fix your

: Eyebrows” is a declaration of

: war among first world women.