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The “Other” News
“Salty” Liam Britten
saltyliam@ gmail.com
David Lynch to direct new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie
INR WLUI IBDN
ae eh ) LYNCH
“Sa Ity”
Liam Britten
resident all-star
A leaked report and attached script
out of Hollywood on Thursday has
confirmed that experimental director
David Lynch, known for art film
classics like Eraserhead, Mulholland
Drive and Blue Velvet, will be directing
the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
film, entitled TMNT: Distant Sewer.
According to the report, the film
will be a psychological examination of
the issues surrounding being an outcast
in a modern middle-class society. The
film “will study obsession and ennui
in a world where we all want to be
Leonardos, but often settle for being
Footsoldiers.”
The story begins with
Michelangelo waking up next to his
on-again, off-again lover, April O’Neill.
April is pregnant with his child, and
exacerbated by being diagnosed with
AIDS, realizes life is pain, and goes
off to ease his. He steals the Turtle
Van, and with his friends Casey Jones,
Mondo Gecko, Ace Duck and Genghis
Frog, goes on a joyride while smoking
crack. Michelangelo sees a woman
being attacked by Rat King, and drives
him off, only to return moments later
to sexually assault the woman as his
friends sing “Please Don’t Let Me Be
Misunderstood” in Romanian with four-
part harmony.
Donatello wakes up in the
Technodrome and discovers that he has
in fact been working for Krang and the
Foot Clan, despite having memories
of the Clan only as the enemy. When
he tries to make his escape, he is
captured by Bebop and Rocksteady,
and sodomized in front of a crowd of
midgets who sit silently wearing 19"-
century magistrate’s robes. The scene
ends with a montage of dogs being born
and candles snuffed.
Leonardo is taking care of Master
Splinter, who is dying of cancer.
Splinter, huffing on a nitrous oxide tank,
wishes for his family to come together
just one more time. All the ninja turtles
wants to see a back-alley abortionist,
Baxter Stockman. The trip to the
abortionist turns out to be a trap, and
April is kidnapped and taken to the
Technodrome.
Raphael, after his nihilism is
then assemble in the sewer, however,
they have now become appliance
repairmen, who fix Splinter’s washing
machine, and feed him to it. The ends.
film ends with April giving birth to a
faceless baby that cries backwards. The
baby bursts into flames, and the film
It is believed within many
Hollywood circles that the film will be yellow bandanas instead of orange.
controversial, mainly because Lynch
has called for Michelangelo to wear
Man kills entire family, saves journalists
from SIOW NEWS Gay, -ssic-tin sits
A blood-soaked scene in Surrey greeted horrified
investigators and overjoyed reporters last Thursday after a
local man killed his entire family, resulting in really great
news coverage.
Paul Leblanc, 29, is believed to have slashed his
common-law wife and three sons to death, and then ended
his own life. This will be a welcome incident for the entire
staff of the Burnaby Now, who came into work believing
that they’d be stuck doing light pieces on summer fairs and
back-to-school time—usual subject matter during slower
summer months.
“When I heard that the Leblanc family had been
murdered, I was horrified,” said Burnaby Now editor Cecil
Tosoni. “I mean, it’s a tragic event, so we’re going to need
lots of room for pictures. How are we going to fit this whole
awesome story in just one issue? Layout’s going to flip when
we show them how much needs to go in the Friday issue.
Maybe we’ll do a three-part series or something.”
The first person to see the Leblanc family
disemboweled on the living room floor was door-to-door
18
charity canvasser Megan Kennedy from the Christian
Children’s Fund. Upon seeing the family, Kennedy was
visibly shaken.
“They were all just lying there, and no one was moving,
and I didn’t know what to do, and, I don’t know, it was so
horrible,” said Kennedy between wracking sobs that will
surely make for great television. “Why did God let this
happen? Why? They were just kids! I don’t know what I can
believe anymore.”
“She’s questioning her faith? Perfect!” said reporter
Aimee McNeil, after hearing of Kennedy’s sadness. “That
really adds a human element to it. More importantly, a living
human element. If I interview her, I could get an award!
God, this is amazing!”
While Leblanc is known to police and mental health
workers, it is also suspected that he was heavily in debt, as
well as a chronic alcoholic and crystal meth addict. These
revelations could lead to a feature-length expose deal for a
senior reporter on the issues of gambling, alcohol and drug
addiction. Psychologists will be interviewed in the hopes
of getting a good quote that could perhaps act as a sub-
headline.
The RCMP has said that at this time no charges will
be laid, as the primary suspect is dead. Reporters have
expressed dismay at this fact, as it will mean no lengthy
court proceedings that could result in residual book deals for
those doing coverage at the courthouse. Reporters say at this
point the greatest challenge is to think of a good name for
the event.
“T think we’re going to call this event ‘The Maple
Street Massacre,” said Tosoni. “I mean, we have to think
of something catchy, memorable, and hopefully alliterative.
However, I think it’s important to remember in the face of
all this fantastically tragic news that people died; five people
will never take another breath, never see the sun, and never
feel joy or anything ever again. The community has been
shattered eternally, families will never be the same. We have
to be sensitive to that.”
Added Tosoni: “That reminds me, let’s get some
pictures of a crying grandmother or something.”
Edited Text
The “Other” News
“Salty” Liam Britten
saltyliam@ gmail.com
David Lynch to direct new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie
INR WLUI IBDN
ae eh ) LYNCH
“Sa Ity”
Liam Britten
resident all-star
A leaked report and attached script
out of Hollywood on Thursday has
confirmed that experimental director
David Lynch, known for art film
classics like Eraserhead, Mulholland
Drive and Blue Velvet, will be directing
the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
film, entitled TMNT: Distant Sewer.
According to the report, the film
will be a psychological examination of
the issues surrounding being an outcast
in a modern middle-class society. The
film “will study obsession and ennui
in a world where we all want to be
Leonardos, but often settle for being
Footsoldiers.”
The story begins with
Michelangelo waking up next to his
on-again, off-again lover, April O’Neill.
April is pregnant with his child, and
exacerbated by being diagnosed with
AIDS, realizes life is pain, and goes
off to ease his. He steals the Turtle
Van, and with his friends Casey Jones,
Mondo Gecko, Ace Duck and Genghis
Frog, goes on a joyride while smoking
crack. Michelangelo sees a woman
being attacked by Rat King, and drives
him off, only to return moments later
to sexually assault the woman as his
friends sing “Please Don’t Let Me Be
Misunderstood” in Romanian with four-
part harmony.
Donatello wakes up in the
Technodrome and discovers that he has
in fact been working for Krang and the
Foot Clan, despite having memories
of the Clan only as the enemy. When
he tries to make his escape, he is
captured by Bebop and Rocksteady,
and sodomized in front of a crowd of
midgets who sit silently wearing 19"-
century magistrate’s robes. The scene
ends with a montage of dogs being born
and candles snuffed.
Leonardo is taking care of Master
Splinter, who is dying of cancer.
Splinter, huffing on a nitrous oxide tank,
wishes for his family to come together
just one more time. All the ninja turtles
wants to see a back-alley abortionist,
Baxter Stockman. The trip to the
abortionist turns out to be a trap, and
April is kidnapped and taken to the
Technodrome.
Raphael, after his nihilism is
then assemble in the sewer, however,
they have now become appliance
repairmen, who fix Splinter’s washing
machine, and feed him to it. The ends.
film ends with April giving birth to a
faceless baby that cries backwards. The
baby bursts into flames, and the film
It is believed within many
Hollywood circles that the film will be yellow bandanas instead of orange.
controversial, mainly because Lynch
has called for Michelangelo to wear
Man kills entire family, saves journalists
from SIOW NEWS Gay, -ssic-tin sits
A blood-soaked scene in Surrey greeted horrified
investigators and overjoyed reporters last Thursday after a
local man killed his entire family, resulting in really great
news coverage.
Paul Leblanc, 29, is believed to have slashed his
common-law wife and three sons to death, and then ended
his own life. This will be a welcome incident for the entire
staff of the Burnaby Now, who came into work believing
that they’d be stuck doing light pieces on summer fairs and
back-to-school time—usual subject matter during slower
summer months.
“When I heard that the Leblanc family had been
murdered, I was horrified,” said Burnaby Now editor Cecil
Tosoni. “I mean, it’s a tragic event, so we’re going to need
lots of room for pictures. How are we going to fit this whole
awesome story in just one issue? Layout’s going to flip when
we show them how much needs to go in the Friday issue.
Maybe we’ll do a three-part series or something.”
The first person to see the Leblanc family
disemboweled on the living room floor was door-to-door
18
charity canvasser Megan Kennedy from the Christian
Children’s Fund. Upon seeing the family, Kennedy was
visibly shaken.
“They were all just lying there, and no one was moving,
and I didn’t know what to do, and, I don’t know, it was so
horrible,” said Kennedy between wracking sobs that will
surely make for great television. “Why did God let this
happen? Why? They were just kids! I don’t know what I can
believe anymore.”
“She’s questioning her faith? Perfect!” said reporter
Aimee McNeil, after hearing of Kennedy’s sadness. “That
really adds a human element to it. More importantly, a living
human element. If I interview her, I could get an award!
God, this is amazing!”
While Leblanc is known to police and mental health
workers, it is also suspected that he was heavily in debt, as
well as a chronic alcoholic and crystal meth addict. These
revelations could lead to a feature-length expose deal for a
senior reporter on the issues of gambling, alcohol and drug
addiction. Psychologists will be interviewed in the hopes
of getting a good quote that could perhaps act as a sub-
headline.
The RCMP has said that at this time no charges will
be laid, as the primary suspect is dead. Reporters have
expressed dismay at this fact, as it will mean no lengthy
court proceedings that could result in residual book deals for
those doing coverage at the courthouse. Reporters say at this
point the greatest challenge is to think of a good name for
the event.
“T think we’re going to call this event ‘The Maple
Street Massacre,” said Tosoni. “I mean, we have to think
of something catchy, memorable, and hopefully alliterative.
However, I think it’s important to remember in the face of
all this fantastically tragic news that people died; five people
will never take another breath, never see the sun, and never
feel joy or anything ever again. The community has been
shattered eternally, families will never be the same. We have
to be sensitive to that.”
Added Tosoni: “That reminds me, let’s get some
pictures of a crying grandmother or something.”
The “Other” News
“Salty” Liam Britten
saltyliam@ gmail.com
David Lynch to direct new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie
INR WLUI IBDN
ae eh ) LYNCH
“Sa Ity”
Liam Britten
resident all-star
A leaked report and attached script
out of Hollywood on Thursday has
confirmed that experimental director
David Lynch, known for art film
classics like Eraserhead, Mulholland
Drive and Blue Velvet, will be directing
the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
film, entitled TMNT: Distant Sewer.
According to the report, the film
will be a psychological examination of
the issues surrounding being an outcast
in a modern middle-class society. The
film “will study obsession and ennui
in a world where we all want to be
Leonardos, but often settle for being
Footsoldiers.”
The story begins with
Michelangelo waking up next to his
on-again, off-again lover, April O’Neill.
April is pregnant with his child, and
exacerbated by being diagnosed with
AIDS, realizes life is pain, and goes
off to ease his. He steals the Turtle
Van, and with his friends Casey Jones,
Mondo Gecko, Ace Duck and Genghis
Frog, goes on a joyride while smoking
crack. Michelangelo sees a woman
being attacked by Rat King, and drives
him off, only to return moments later
to sexually assault the woman as his
friends sing “Please Don’t Let Me Be
Misunderstood” in Romanian with four-
part harmony.
Donatello wakes up in the
Technodrome and discovers that he has
in fact been working for Krang and the
Foot Clan, despite having memories
of the Clan only as the enemy. When
he tries to make his escape, he is
captured by Bebop and Rocksteady,
and sodomized in front of a crowd of
midgets who sit silently wearing 19"-
century magistrate’s robes. The scene
ends with a montage of dogs being born
and candles snuffed.
Leonardo is taking care of Master
Splinter, who is dying of cancer.
Splinter, huffing on a nitrous oxide tank,
wishes for his family to come together
just one more time. All the ninja turtles
wants to see a back-alley abortionist,
Baxter Stockman. The trip to the
abortionist turns out to be a trap, and
April is kidnapped and taken to the
Technodrome.
Raphael, after his nihilism is
then assemble in the sewer, however,
they have now become appliance
repairmen, who fix Splinter’s washing
machine, and feed him to it. The ends.
film ends with April giving birth to a
faceless baby that cries backwards. The
baby bursts into flames, and the film
It is believed within many
Hollywood circles that the film will be yellow bandanas instead of orange.
controversial, mainly because Lynch
has called for Michelangelo to wear
Man kills entire family, saves journalists
from SIOW NEWS Gay, -ssic-tin sits
A blood-soaked scene in Surrey greeted horrified
investigators and overjoyed reporters last Thursday after a
local man killed his entire family, resulting in really great
news coverage.
Paul Leblanc, 29, is believed to have slashed his
common-law wife and three sons to death, and then ended
his own life. This will be a welcome incident for the entire
staff of the Burnaby Now, who came into work believing
that they’d be stuck doing light pieces on summer fairs and
back-to-school time—usual subject matter during slower
summer months.
“When I heard that the Leblanc family had been
murdered, I was horrified,” said Burnaby Now editor Cecil
Tosoni. “I mean, it’s a tragic event, so we’re going to need
lots of room for pictures. How are we going to fit this whole
awesome story in just one issue? Layout’s going to flip when
we show them how much needs to go in the Friday issue.
Maybe we’ll do a three-part series or something.”
The first person to see the Leblanc family
disemboweled on the living room floor was door-to-door
18
charity canvasser Megan Kennedy from the Christian
Children’s Fund. Upon seeing the family, Kennedy was
visibly shaken.
“They were all just lying there, and no one was moving,
and I didn’t know what to do, and, I don’t know, it was so
horrible,” said Kennedy between wracking sobs that will
surely make for great television. “Why did God let this
happen? Why? They were just kids! I don’t know what I can
believe anymore.”
“She’s questioning her faith? Perfect!” said reporter
Aimee McNeil, after hearing of Kennedy’s sadness. “That
really adds a human element to it. More importantly, a living
human element. If I interview her, I could get an award!
God, this is amazing!”
While Leblanc is known to police and mental health
workers, it is also suspected that he was heavily in debt, as
well as a chronic alcoholic and crystal meth addict. These
revelations could lead to a feature-length expose deal for a
senior reporter on the issues of gambling, alcohol and drug
addiction. Psychologists will be interviewed in the hopes
of getting a good quote that could perhaps act as a sub-
headline.
The RCMP has said that at this time no charges will
be laid, as the primary suspect is dead. Reporters have
expressed dismay at this fact, as it will mean no lengthy
court proceedings that could result in residual book deals for
those doing coverage at the courthouse. Reporters say at this
point the greatest challenge is to think of a good name for
the event.
“T think we’re going to call this event ‘The Maple
Street Massacre,” said Tosoni. “I mean, we have to think
of something catchy, memorable, and hopefully alliterative.
However, I think it’s important to remember in the face of
all this fantastically tragic news that people died; five people
will never take another breath, never see the sun, and never
feel joy or anything ever again. The community has been
shattered eternally, families will never be the same. We have
to be sensitive to that.”
Added Tosoni: “That reminds me, let’s get some
pictures of a crying grandmother or something.”
The “Other” News
“Salty” Liam Britten
saltyliam@ gmail.com
David Lynch to direct new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie
INR WLUI IBDN
ae eh ) LYNCH
“Sa Ity”
Liam Britten
resident all-star
A leaked report and attached script
out of Hollywood on Thursday has
confirmed that experimental director
David Lynch, known for art film
classics like Eraserhead, Mulholland
Drive and Blue Velvet, will be directing
the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
film, entitled TMNT: Distant Sewer.
According to the report, the film
will be a psychological examination of
the issues surrounding being an outcast
in a modern middle-class society. The
film “will study obsession and ennui
in a world where we all want to be
Leonardos, but often settle for being
Footsoldiers.”
The story begins with
Michelangelo waking up next to his
on-again, off-again lover, April O’Neill.
April is pregnant with his child, and
exacerbated by being diagnosed with
AIDS, realizes life is pain, and goes
off to ease his. He steals the Turtle
Van, and with his friends Casey Jones,
Mondo Gecko, Ace Duck and Genghis
Frog, goes on a joyride while smoking
crack. Michelangelo sees a woman
being attacked by Rat King, and drives
him off, only to return moments later
to sexually assault the woman as his
friends sing “Please Don’t Let Me Be
Misunderstood” in Romanian with four-
part harmony.
Donatello wakes up in the
Technodrome and discovers that he has
in fact been working for Krang and the
Foot Clan, despite having memories
of the Clan only as the enemy. When
he tries to make his escape, he is
captured by Bebop and Rocksteady,
and sodomized in front of a crowd of
midgets who sit silently wearing 19"-
century magistrate’s robes. The scene
ends with a montage of dogs being born
and candles snuffed.
Leonardo is taking care of Master
Splinter, who is dying of cancer.
Splinter, huffing on a nitrous oxide tank,
wishes for his family to come together
just one more time. All the ninja turtles
wants to see a back-alley abortionist,
Baxter Stockman. The trip to the
abortionist turns out to be a trap, and
April is kidnapped and taken to the
Technodrome.
Raphael, after his nihilism is
then assemble in the sewer, however,
they have now become appliance
repairmen, who fix Splinter’s washing
machine, and feed him to it. The ends.
film ends with April giving birth to a
faceless baby that cries backwards. The
baby bursts into flames, and the film
It is believed within many
Hollywood circles that the film will be yellow bandanas instead of orange.
controversial, mainly because Lynch
has called for Michelangelo to wear
Man kills entire family, saves journalists
from SIOW NEWS Gay, -ssic-tin sits
A blood-soaked scene in Surrey greeted horrified
investigators and overjoyed reporters last Thursday after a
local man killed his entire family, resulting in really great
news coverage.
Paul Leblanc, 29, is believed to have slashed his
common-law wife and three sons to death, and then ended
his own life. This will be a welcome incident for the entire
staff of the Burnaby Now, who came into work believing
that they’d be stuck doing light pieces on summer fairs and
back-to-school time—usual subject matter during slower
summer months.
“When I heard that the Leblanc family had been
murdered, I was horrified,” said Burnaby Now editor Cecil
Tosoni. “I mean, it’s a tragic event, so we’re going to need
lots of room for pictures. How are we going to fit this whole
awesome story in just one issue? Layout’s going to flip when
we show them how much needs to go in the Friday issue.
Maybe we’ll do a three-part series or something.”
The first person to see the Leblanc family
disemboweled on the living room floor was door-to-door
18
charity canvasser Megan Kennedy from the Christian
Children’s Fund. Upon seeing the family, Kennedy was
visibly shaken.
“They were all just lying there, and no one was moving,
and I didn’t know what to do, and, I don’t know, it was so
horrible,” said Kennedy between wracking sobs that will
surely make for great television. “Why did God let this
happen? Why? They were just kids! I don’t know what I can
believe anymore.”
“She’s questioning her faith? Perfect!” said reporter
Aimee McNeil, after hearing of Kennedy’s sadness. “That
really adds a human element to it. More importantly, a living
human element. If I interview her, I could get an award!
God, this is amazing!”
While Leblanc is known to police and mental health
workers, it is also suspected that he was heavily in debt, as
well as a chronic alcoholic and crystal meth addict. These
revelations could lead to a feature-length expose deal for a
senior reporter on the issues of gambling, alcohol and drug
addiction. Psychologists will be interviewed in the hopes
of getting a good quote that could perhaps act as a sub-
headline.
The RCMP has said that at this time no charges will
be laid, as the primary suspect is dead. Reporters have
expressed dismay at this fact, as it will mean no lengthy
court proceedings that could result in residual book deals for
those doing coverage at the courthouse. Reporters say at this
point the greatest challenge is to think of a good name for
the event.
“T think we’re going to call this event ‘The Maple
Street Massacre,” said Tosoni. “I mean, we have to think
of something catchy, memorable, and hopefully alliterative.
However, I think it’s important to remember in the face of
all this fantastically tragic news that people died; five people
will never take another breath, never see the sun, and never
feel joy or anything ever again. The community has been
shattered eternally, families will never be the same. We have
to be sensitive to that.”
Added Tosoni: “That reminds me, let’s get some
pictures of a crying grandmother or something.”